Here's to you, BK!
March 19, 2015
I went a little backwards here, I know. If you read below today's entry, you'll see why I did it this way. I tried to condense this post, but I just don't know how to use fewer words. Be thankful I didn't blog every day for the last 10 days.
Today was hard. I feel like it was harder than the first birthday without Brandon, but maybe my memory is protecting me. I cried and cried and cried, until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I saw the bunched up Kleenex next to my pillow and it reminded me of those early days, when I'd find Kleenex everywhere I'd been, even at the foot of my bed, though don't ask me how it got there. I had it in my hands at all times, especially in bed, so it'd end up getting moved around, I guess. Part of the problem today was that I started it off by reading some of my earlier blog posts. BIG mistake and I know better, but I did it, anyway. I miss him so much and I hurt for the person I was before my son died and for the person who wandered through those early months in shock and, again, for the person I've had to become because of the pain. At one point, over the last several days, I actually found myself wondering 'what if I hadn't returned the medical examiner's phone call, what if I just didn't know he'd died'....I know, it sounds crazy, but mind's response to the type of pain that grief causes can be pretty far out there.
I ordered a balloon bouquet earlier this morning so I'd make sure to get out of the house. Eventually, that's what I did. We went and released the balloons, with a happy birthday wish and then released some lanterns that drove us crazy. The first one sailed right into the power lines, which made us laugh and worry about the fire department being called to the site. It was not the grand scene that I'd envisioned, but I've learned to lower my expectations of perfection and just let the moment be what it is. I think that has been a gift from this tragedy, feeling free enough to release some things, some people, a lot of control, because we actually have very little control in this world.
So, the night ended with a drink in Brandon's honor, at a restaurant he loved. I hope he was there with us. I sure do miss him, with every ounce of my being. Thanks for reading.
March 9, 2015
I don't write often, so I decided to start his birthday post a little early, just to let people see exactly why I don't write often....b/c what goes around in my head (and ultimately penned here) is a whole lot of THIS....
Life is just really sucky, without you, Brandon. I miss you so much and it's hard to even want to try to find peace because I hate this earth without you sharing it with me. I can't even find the words to ask God for the peace because I end up so upset, crying so much, that's it's just to difficult to want to go there voluntarily.
It's hard to put into words how incomprehensible it is to think about all the rest of your days on this earth not having your child in it, especially when it could've been prevented. I'm sure some people think it shouldn't be dwelled upon, but it's impossible to escape the reality. Trust me, I've tried, gone to great lengths to escape it and...I've failed.
There are a lot of things that I don't understand why God allowed, but that one definitely takes the cake. I know that much of what has happened in my life has been a direct result of either my choices or those before me. We live in a fallen world and bad shit just happens in a fallen world. Ultimately, God had to allow it and I still wrestle with why this had to happen, why this had to be our story. It's my life, I know I have to own it, but, really, I just do not want it.....
March 12, 2015
I was thinking that part of the reason for the wrestling with God is that, while I may not always be a good or honest or just person, and I may backslide here and there, deep down I thought God knew me well enough to know that I didn't deserve to lose a child. I know that God doesn't make bargains and there's no earning good things, but you still (well, I still) think that trying to live life right and praying for your children kinda protects you from the really big things, the bad things that you're afraid to say aloud for fear it may bring them to fruition. When I screamed at Brandon (when we almost lost him) we won't make it if something happens to you, it would destroy our lives, we would never, EVER recover, I meant it and, though I was afraid that by saying it out loud it was tempting death, I hoped that by screaming to the universe that I'd die without my son it would ensure that I'd never have to live without my son.
I've had no more loss in my life, really, than anyone else. Loss is relative to each of us and, yeah, losing a child is the worst loss to ever have to live with, but it doesn't diminish anyone else's loss. We all have our burdens to carry and they hurt. And, yet, I feel betrayed. By life, by God, my family. IDK...I hate bitter people because they're miserable to be around, but I'm not sure how to endure all I've lost and just be happy about it. I've trusted that I'll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13) and I've trusted that hope will never put me to shame (Romans 5:5) and that weeping only endures for a night, but that joy cometh in the morning (Psalm 30:5). Oh, how I've repeated to myself joy cometh. But, the weeping has lasted for, literally, hundreds of nights and the joy, well, it has surely runneth away!! Nothing that I've prayed for seems to have been answered, no matter how faithful I've been (or think I've been) and I feel like the family curse has fallen square on my shoulders and maybe I could've turned the curse away from us, but instead I failed miserably and there's just no salvaging anything from the mess. And, this is all crazy drivel that I try to keep people away from, but maybe if I see my lunacy in print it'll wake me up or maybe it'll show someone else how sane they actually are.
I had a dream a while back, just a brief one, where I was looking almost through a tunnel and, for some reason, it made me realize that I was never going to see Brandon in this lifetime. In my dream, I was awestruck by the word forever and I kept saying it until I woke up saying," forever....I have to live without Brandon forever," which, of course, made me cry as I woke up and realized, yet again, the reality of my situation. It colors everything in my world. In a way, I am too numb to everything and in ways I am too affected by everything, as evidenced by the fact that almost any word, at any given time, could make me start crying.
Another dream I had, just the other day, had me running. Not from something, just running. I love running. I am not built for it, not even when I was thin because my legs are about 5" long, but I love feeling like I'm breaking free from something and running into something wonderful. In my dream, though, no matter how long my stride was, I couldn't go forward any faster. It was almost like stepping into quicksand, but without sinking. Maybe it's an improvement, honestly, because I've certainly felt like I've been in quicksand, but it's so frustrating to keep running without moving. Heh, the story of my life, I suppose...always running from something and not going anywhere. Not sure the point of this paragraph, drivel from the world in my head, but maybe I'll read this in five years and be fascinated at my growth. MMMHHMM.