A Blame Addendum

I was thinking about my blame post because of a message my husband sent me.  I was sitting with my friend, who was doing my hair, and talking about my blame post and how I did not blame my husband.  My phone chimed and it was a PM from my husband.  All it said was, You can blame me for being too late in bringing him here and....., that was all it said.  I looked at her and was like ok, what the heck, that's downright spooky...is he listening or WHAT?  Then I said, "OK, well, if he heard our conversation, he'd know that I, in fact, do NOT blame him."  Well, about that time, the light went on and I realized that he must've read my blog entry or, actually what I'm thinking, just the title because he says he cannot read them.  Maybe in time.

The timing of that message was just sooo creepy.  Anyhow, as I lay in bed last night, it occurred to me how very ironic it is that I don't blame him.  We have parented together for over 19 years and have probably been on the same page in the parenting book about 15% of the time.  No joke.  I have blamed him for every stumble the kids have had, with the iexception of the boy's foul language (b/c there is just no denying where that came from) and this.  His death.  I don't even understand how of all things, THIS is where we don't blame each other, we blame only ourselves.  Maybe (I hope not) it will come with the anger stage?  I don't think there's a blame someone else stage and I think right now we must both still be struggling with guilt, but I'm not even sure where we are, stage wise.  I seem to go through them all within five minutes, at times, what do I know.  Maybe it's grace.  Do you think maybe that's part of grace?  I hope so.

And, as I ponder grace, I ponder the love that has to be there to extend it.  I want to keep reminding myself of the love of a Father to send HIS only son so that mine could also spend eternity with Him...and ME.  Faith, right now, as with grief, is not a linear path.  I'm struggling so much and I usually won't listen to someone else try to comfort me with it, it's something that has to be entirely mine in this season.  This song below 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman has been played probably 10, 000 times on my computer in the last week.  It may not be your type of music.  Sometimes, it doesn't feel like mine, but at the end of the day, I want my lips to keep singing about all of the reasons, even if my heart isn't so sure right now.  

In case, you really just aren't up to listening, here are the words.  Really let them sink in.  I know it's no small miracle that I can even be in this place right now.

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name