I was having a bit of a struggle this morning and then I realized that it's the 18th. My boy has been gone three months. The three saddest, numbest, most painful months of my life. I hadn't planned on doing a blog post today, but I had one already typed up from yesterday, so I guess I'll go ahead and post. I keep wondering when I'll run out of tears and questions and just accept that things are how they are and move on to the next stage of my life.
I think it's safe to say that for most of the last three months, I've
been lost. I'm getting more lost by the day, it seems. I'm getting
better at putting on a facade, something I have long despised in other
people, but now totally understand. Every time I get two minutes with
my thoughts alone, I cannot stand what goes through my head, so I try
not to let that happen. If I knew what kind of help to ask for, I'd ask
for it, truly, but I'm at a loss. It's hard to even describe what I
feel, other than just done....or, maybe like I'm drowning, but not every life preserver can save me and I don't know the kind I need someone to throw in to me.
Defeat can have me because I just do not
give a shit right now. This is such an isolating experience and darn it
I've gone it alone for so much of my life, I'm just so over figuring it all out alone. Evidently, that is not the case because here I sit.
Alone. I could pick up the phone and have people by my side. I could
drive down the road and have people all around me. Guess what I'd
be....yep, all alone.
I subscribed to a daily email (for a year, I
think) from Grief Share. One of the first things they tell you about
grief is that it is the cost of loving someone. At first, that made
sense, but the more I think about it, it doesn't seem fair or right.
Does everyone we love cause us grief? Well, I guess so. I know that's
not the grief they're referring to per se, but gees it's depressing. I
think I'm just feeling really negative, maybe I shouldn't be putting
this into words because I'm sure I'm not helping a soul, but maybe
someone will have their own negativity validated someday because of mine. At
the very least, everyone who reads this will be assured of their own
sanity, so that's something, I suppose.
The end of my first day's email
had a scripture that crops up often in church, in 'religious' emails,
in testimonies, etc, it's: “But those who hope in the LORD will renew
their strength. They will soar on
wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and
faint” (Isaiah 40:31). My problem is that I have hoped, I have hoped
like no one has hoped, seriously. I don't believe in false hope, I
think hope is often the only thing we feel like we can live for, so I
have clung to it with my last breath. I have waited so long for renewed
strength and something other than a weary feeling and yet I have walked
through a desert so dry it makes the Sahara look like the Pacific
Ocean. I am not soaring and man am I faint. Off the top of my head, I
can't think of the entire passage, to put it in its proper context, and
I'm too lazy to reach over the six inches to look in my Bible, but maybe
that's in the eternal sense. I know it is claimed often in the here
and now, so people walk it....it's even on my fridge to give me hope...but I am
slowly losing hope that there is even a remote possibility of this verse being
for me because I am so weary. I want to turn around. I've held on,
thinking the desert will turn green if I just wait a little longer or
trust a little more and, instead, I'm nothing but parched. And lost.....sad....and exhausted from crying an ocean of tears.
I desperately want my boy back....my boy who also hated being alone....I miss our long talks. As your kids grow, you look back and think, where did all the time go? To have that and to have his adulthood snatched away, knowing you'll never get to reminisce with him about the early days or help him learn something or just share anything....it's beyond surreal. I am just broken.