I know that much of what I write isn't cohesive, the verbiage a little mangled and scattered about, but thank you for reading, in spite of my shortcomings. Mentally, I am what I describe and then some. I feel like I go from here to there and here and over there and back here, over and over. I am, in the same minute, determined to find a purpose and acceptance and sobbing in disbelief, wondering how it is that this is my life. My brain is so focused on survival that in my head I often sound incoherent, mostly because I forget in one second what I was just thinking about the second before. According to one of my books, the short term memory will be gone for awhile, as the body/brain uses its energy to deal with the trauma. I can be thinking about doing something, when my eye will see something that my brain interprets as a Brandon memory, so my brain wanders off before I even realize that I've now forgotten what I was just thinking. I will be watching tv and realize that I'm crying because my brain just remembered that I forgot to take a picture of Brandon in his casket without his hat on, why didn't I take a picture of his beautiful hair? I have pictures....tons of pictures...that show Brandon's hair, but all of a sudden it becomes unbelievable that I didn't photograph that. Little moments like this are what my day is comprised of. They are exhausting. I am not quite sure if I'm exhausted from trying to run from my thoughts or exhausted from thinking so much. Probably both.
Matthew 12:34 says that...'the mouth speaks what the heart is full
of' or some variation on that theme (like out of the abundance of the
heart the mouth speaks), depending on what translation you are reading.
I have always felt intense conviction from that scripture because of
all my fleshly foibles (ok fine, gargantuan sins), this is one I have
battled the most. I have had some mighty battles and been victorious,
but the whole taming the tongue thing just doesn't stick. I know it is
because I have a heart issue.
Today, that really hit
me, but in a new way. Almost everything out of my mouth has to do with
Brandon. My thoughts are about Brandon, my tears are for him, I
physically long to touch him, to hear his voice. I have only once in
the last five weeks been angry and yelled out loud and that little burst
of temper came from nowhere, completely irrational (b/c yes, all of my
other temper issues are rational) and out of control, but I knew it had
to do with my helplessness over Brandon dying. My heart is so full of
grief and trying to make sense of things, that the only words I do have
are with regard to this walk. I also know it's why I keep having random
praise songs flow from my lips. My heart has room for few things
outside of the immediate trauma, but it reassures me that there is hope
for me yet, with what is flowing out of my mouth right now. As a side note, please don't hold it against me if you see me mad and letting the wrong things spew out tomorrow...I'm the mother of all works in progress...be gracious, please.