A question was posted in a group I'm in, essentially, asking how we are doing. I said I didn't really need to elaborate, but that my life felt like an "UN". There are many I could list, but I guess that'd just become a pity party and I'm trying like hell to not have a pity party every day, much as I feel I have the right to indulge. Unfair, unreal, unlucky, unbelievably sad, unnavigable, unsettling, undone. I think unreal and unfair are the ones I say the most. I really hate unfair because, as every mom in history has ever said, "Life isn't fair." I do know this isn't about fairness because it's not fair for anyone to lose a child, no matter who you are...which ends up leading me to the other thing I keep saying, "Most people don't lose their kid," why do we have to be part of the club no one wants to belong to....it's unreal. It's way past surreal, it's just so not possible. How can it be?
Today has been 30 days since Brandon went to his permanent home. There are people who struggle with living so much that they can't stay sober for that long and yet the half of my heart that is left has actually kept beating for thirty long days after a phone call from the medical examiner changed my life forever.
I try not to cry constantly because I actually end up upsetting myself further at the sound of my own sobbing. It seems to make it more real...like I'm crying, so my son must really not be coming back. And, still the tears come. They don't wait for permission from me to fall from my eyes. It doesn't matter where I'm at, out of nowhere, my vision becomes blurry and my cheeks wet. It's a new, completely dumbfounding, unreal reality. How can it be?
I'm going to end this post with some lyrics from a song by my favorite artist ever, Chris Tomlin. It's from the song "Whom Shall I Fear" and I really felt convicted to declare the truth in those words. I know these things to my core, within every fiber of my being, but knowing and living something aren't always the same (more often than I care to admit in my world), especially when every fiber of your being is fighting, every single day, just to find the desire to want to live.
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine