July 20, 2013
People with abandonment issues usually
end up with the very people that will leave them. Subconsciously, they
are drawn to the same type of relationships, time and again, in a
desperate attempt to change the cycle which, inevitably, perpetuates
that cycle. I think that's probably true for most dysfunctional
relationships, actually, but that's a whole other blog for someone else
The relationship between a parent and a child
is unique. Children love their parents, even with all their faults and
missteps, like no one else. It is their parents whom they first love.
When that relationship is severed, it wounds so deeply and, sometimes,
can be hidden so well that all seems fine. But it is not. You can be sure the hurt is there and it runs deep. Some of those kids grow up and have kids
because they think that, FINALLY, someone will love them unconditionally
and never leave them. They'll love their kids, their kids will love them, it will all be
fixed. I know of teens who have felt those precise feelings because
they felt so rejected in all other areas of their lives. It's probably a
lot more common than we realize.
While I was not
one of those teens, I'd never really thought much about this issue
until yesterday. I was sitting in my living room, surrounded by
pictures of Brandon and I said to God, "You took one of only two people
on this earth that love me unconditionally, no matter how bad I've
screwed up, no matter how badly I've hurt them or how much of a hot mess I've been. Why would you do that?
To someone who has been abandoned more than once in her life already...why?"
And, this is not about a pity party. I have tons of friends. I have
family. God graciously gave me a kinda mama who has, without a doubt,
been THE rock of my life. She has never judged one thing I've done, she
loves me no matter the cost, as if I were one of her own, even though I
wasn't in her life until I was almost 18 years old. I mean no
disrespect to my own birth family...things happen...we make choices that
we wish we could take back...I haven't walked in my own parents' shoes
and I know their choices were hard. Life is hard. Knowing that,
doesn't just erase the pain. As for my husband, the relationship
between a husband and wife is one where there is a lot of stepping on
toes, hurt feelings, distance and then, well, that love is just different...you get the idea. It is the not same
love as a child has for you.
From the day I met Brandon,
on March 19, 1994, he has been mine, he has been for me. He loved me, even though I am critical and overbearing and temperamental and selfish. He knew I adored him and loved him with every ounce of my being. Brandon and I were simpatico and to lose that relationship still has my head spinning. One half of the people who had that almost indescribable
love, forgiveness and acceptance of who I am is just gone. In a flash.
No preparation, no goodbye, he's just gone from my life. If I had ten
other kids, if I live to be 100 and have 45 grandkids, I will never have
Brandon or what he was in my life. There is such a hole.
Until we meet again. I wish I knew the hour. I am ready now.