Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Abandonment Issues

July 20, 2013

People with abandonment issues usually end up with the very people that will leave them.  Subconsciously, they are drawn to the same type of relationships, time and again, in a desperate attempt to change the cycle which, inevitably, perpetuates that cycle.  I think that's probably true for most dysfunctional relationships, actually, but that's a whole other blog for someone else to write.

The relationship between a parent and a child is unique.  Children love their parents, even with all their faults and missteps, like no one else.  It is their parents whom they first love.  When that relationship is severed, it wounds so deeply and, sometimes, can be hidden so well that all seems fine.  But it is not.  You can be sure the hurt is there and it runs deep.  Some of those kids grow up and have kids because they think that, FINALLY, someone will love them unconditionally and never leave them.  They'll love their kids, their kids will love them, it will all be fixed.  I know of teens who have felt those precise feelings because they felt so rejected in all other areas of their lives.  It's probably a lot more common than we realize. 

While I was not one of those teens, I'd never really thought much about this issue until yesterday.  I was sitting in my living room, surrounded by pictures of Brandon and I said to God, "You took one of only two people on this earth that love me unconditionally, no matter how bad I've screwed up, no matter how badly I've hurt them or how much of a hot mess I've been.  Why would you do that?  To someone who has been abandoned more than once in her life already...why?" 

And, this is not about a pity party.  I have tons of friends.  I have family.  God graciously gave me a kinda mama who has, without a doubt, been THE rock of my life.  She has never judged one thing I've done, she loves me no matter the cost, as if I were one of her own, even though I wasn't in her life until I was almost 18 years old.  I mean no disrespect to my own birth family...things happen...we make choices that we wish we could take back...I haven't walked in my own parents' shoes and I know their choices were hard.  Life is hard.  Knowing that, doesn't just erase the pain.  As for my husband, the relationship between a husband and wife is one where there is a lot of stepping on toes, hurt feelings, distance and then, well, that love is just get the idea.  It is the not same love as a child has for you. 

From the day I met Brandon, on March 19, 1994, he has been mine, he has been for me.  He loved me, even though I am critical and overbearing and temperamental and selfish.  He knew I adored him and loved him with every ounce of my being.  Brandon and I were simpatico and to lose that relationship still has my head spinning.  One half of the people who had that almost indescribable love, forgiveness and acceptance of who I am is just gone.  In a flash.  No preparation, no goodbye, he's just gone from my life.  If I had ten other kids, if I live to be 100 and have 45 grandkids, I will never have Brandon or what he was in my life.  There is such a hole.

Until we meet again.  I wish I knew the hour.  I am ready now.

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