Googling Brandon's Name

I'm becoming the poster child for what no mom should ever have to do.  I thought that 'no mom should ever, ever have to do CPR on her own kid' was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, it'd be the biggie to wrap up the manual of things a mom shouldn't have to do.  It wrecked me.  I relived it constantly, probably because I was afraid that what happened is what would happen....I wouldn't  be there in the moment he needed me to do it again.

I became obsessed about an extra comma in the FB image I created.  I had to go see if the picture from the memorial service had that extra comma.  Not being at home, I didn't have the obituary open in the browser.  So, I had to Google my son's name.  Do you know how very wrong it is to Google your child's name and see that the first result is an obituary?  It's so far deeper than heartbreaking and profoundly sad that I can't even describe it.  It's just wrong.  There's my son's name all over Google for all the wrong flippin reasons.  How did we get here?!  No mom should ever have to see her son's name and picture on Google like that. 

No mom should ever have to endure a phone call from the medical examiner, much less several conversations with a medical examiner.  No mom should have to play the what if game, wondering what she could've done differently to have her child on this earth with her.  No mom should ever have to discuss the cost of a funeral or any other death related costs with anyone.  No mom should ever have to write an obituary or eulogize her son at his memorial service.  No mom should ever have to pick out viewing clothes for her child and have to decide if they will do a burial or a cremation.  No mom should have to wonder why she can't die so she can see her child, again.  No mom should ever have to see her child's death certificate.  No mom should ever have to pick out an urn for her child and be left with only the ashes of her child and an empty room full of belongings that will never be used by her child.  No mom should have to avoid food, locations, tv shows/movies or activities that her child loved, in an attempt to keep the searing pain at bay just a few minutes longer.  No mom should have to be broken to pieces because she didn't videotape her child and is dying to hear his voice, again. 

I know this list could go on and on and on.  I feel like all I have right now are things I shouldn't ever have had to do.  Never ever.  It's not fair.  Death sucks, especially when it's out of order.  My life is all out of order and I don't even know how to begin to set things in a new order.  I don't have the desire to do that.  I want the old back.  We can't make a new way, somebody is missing.  He'll always be missing.  I wasn't going to have an only child.  No mom should have to see her baby end up an only child.  No mom should have to pause when people ask her if she has kids.  I still don't know the answer to that.  I'm not familiar with one word answers and just saying yes seems to cheat Brandon out of his story.  So many things I never wanted to do, never should've had to do and now do not want to do.

Second by second.  One day at a time is still way too overwhelming.  It's unimaginable that days are just ticking by, taking me with them, totally against my will.